


You can't do both

by LoversSpit400



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Drama & Romance, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Friends With Benefits, My First Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-18 16:07:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29120928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoversSpit400/pseuds/LoversSpit400
Summary: Loosely based on the song Both by Ingrid Andress.Jay and Hailey maintain an open relationship, where they get what they want when they want it, but that is not enough for either.
Relationships: Jay Halstead & Hailey Upton, Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton
Comments: 4
Kudos: 74





	You can't do both

**Author's Note:**

> I love this song and I thought about writing something involving two people who love each other, but don't know what to do with it for fear of ruining everything. Hope you like it.

Jay thrusted into Hailey one more time. He snaps his hips forward, and she squeezes, both of them knowing that they are reaching their orgasms faster than they would like, but neither of them can stop. Their bodies are begging for the pleasure they both know it is coming. 

Hailey is on her four, while Jay is on his knees on her mattress. He takes his hands out of her hips and leans forward, his arms involving her naked body, pulling her as close as he can. 

They’ve been doing it for a while, long enough for Jay to know that Hailey loves when he pulls her body into her and presses her down when she is coming. She likes to feel him breathing on her neck as they move in unison. 

“Jay,” he hears her saying and the way she says his name lets him know she is as close as he is. 

“Yeah, babe?” He paints in her ear. 

She throws her head back, leading it in his shoulder. “I’m close.” 

“I know. Me too,” he moans, speeding up his rhythm, understanding her request. By now, Jay knows they have a secret language in bed that no one else would understand. 

Hailey moans loud and tight herself around him, and it does it for him. They are both coming hard, and it always feels better than the last time. 

Jay takes a second to catch his breath and falls on the bed beside a painting Hailey. 

“For round two,” he says between breaths, “this is pretty good.” 

“I’m glad we can keep the quality.” 

Jay laughs. He wants to cuddle Hailey, fall asleep next to her and forget about the world outside, but they’ve never done it before and there was no reason for them to start it now. 

He sees as she gets up from the bed, grabbing her shirt that lying on the ground when they walked into the room between heated kisses. She puts it on her with no ceremony and makes her way to the bathroom. 

Jay already knows their routine by now. Hailey will take a shower. If it does not exhaust them, she will be glad if he joins her. Then she walks out and expects him to get dressed and ready to go. By the morning they go to work like nothing has happened, and if they have a hard case and need to relieve some stress, they will be there for each other. 

It’s all good fun for them. A pleasant way to get what they were both needing without having to go around and meet anyone new. They were friends; they trusted each other and by the end of the day that was what mattered. Heated kisses, some orgasms, and he was so exhausted that he couldn’t even have nightmares. 

Somewhere between the line, something changed. These moments weren’t enough for him anymore, he wanted more. He wanted to wake up every morning next to her, to go home every night to her. 

In silence, Jay searched the room for his clothes and dressed them. Stopping for a minute to gather his thoughts. 

“Hailey, I’m leaving,” he says, but doesn’t dare to walk into the bathroom. 

“Ok! See you tomorrow?” He hears her saying, sound muffled by the water falling. 

“Yeah, bye!” 

Like a ghost, he went away. He climbs on his truck and drives home with a sinking feeling in his chest. 

~*~*

Hailey hears Jay closing the door of her apartment and she lets her head fall on the wall in front of her as the water washes over the back of neck, making her blond hair fall forward and clue on her skin. 

She closes her eyes and tries to put her mind around what was happening. She loves Jay. That much she knew, she was sure of it for a long time. Maybe ever since she saw him lying in the gutter, bleeding, and she thought he was dead. That was when she knew. 

A few months after that, after a rough case, she felt like she needed something more than a talk and a drink. He gave it to her and it was magical, far from what she expected it to be, but so good. When the morning came, they talked about it again and decided that would be better if they were just friends. 

“Keeping things simple,” he said. “Nothing good comes out of a workplace romance.”

The words cut her like a sharp knife, but she pretended she agreed. So, at night she had everything she wanted with him. His body into her, his touches, their breathing so close to each other that she didn’t know which air she was breathing, his voice in her ear calling her baby. At the afterglow she only saw hell, when he was putting his clothes on, back facing her before he walked out of the room. 

The water runs cold now, and she gets out of her bathroom. In an ideal world, Jay would be there, waiting for her or even asleep. She would embrace him and fall asleep with the sound of his heartbeat. She shakes these thoughts out of her head and rests on tangled sheets. 

~*~*~* 

Jay arrives at the bullpen before everyone else. He was never the person who would sleep until late, but ever since he joined the army, waking up before dawn was part of him. Life taught him there was no use to stay in his bed waiting for sleep to come back, so his routine started earlier than everyone else. 

He was making coffee for himself when he heard the soft steps of Hailey’s boots coming to his direction. A sound he had heard so many times he thinks he could recognize anywhere, even in a crowd. Jay thinks if he should acknowledge her presence before she announces herself, but decides against it. 

“Hey,” he hears her say and turns around, pretending he didn’t hear her coming. 

“Hey,” he answered. “Do you want some coffee?” He points at the machine. 

“Sure,” she answers and sits on the table. “Why are you here so early? Eager to do your paperwork?” 

“You know how I love to stay behind a desk all day,” he jokes as he puts his and hers coffee in mugs. She takes hers and their hands touch for less than a second. 

“So, do you remember that girl I met while I was in quarantine for the flesh-eating bacteria?”

“The blonde kid, right? What was her name?” Jay asked as he sat down beside her. 

“Amanda,” Hailey reminded him. “She just texted me that her volleyball team is a finalist on the Chicago High School Championships.” 

“That’s cool. When I was at school, I didn’t really play any sports.” 

He could see Hailey raising her eyebrows in surprise. “Really?” She tilted her head a little and laughed. 

“Yeah, why are you laughing?” He asked with a smile on his face. 

“Jay, you’re the stereotype of the asshole high school quarterback.” 

“What?” He pretended to be offended. “I was a really nice guy in high school, okay!?”

“Ok!” She raised her hands in surrender. “I just think it’s hard to believe that you were bad at sports.” 

“Oh, no. I’m sure I would’ve been great if I tried any of them, I just wasn’t interested enough to do it.” 

She laughed at him and he followed along. It was so easy to be happy around her, the small talks would come so easy to them. Everything was easier besides Hailey. He wishes it could be like this all the time. 

Ruzek arrives shortly after and interrupts them. In a few, the rest of the Unit came, and it was another day in the office for the both of them. 

~*~*~* 

They took 2 days, 5 suspects, 6 witness and 3 CIs to solve the case. It developed from a drug lord in Chicago to an almost gang war. That was hell, they were running against time; the pressure was on, but eventually they avoided the situation and called it a day. 

Now, Adam, Kevin, Kim, Jay and Hailey were having drinks at Molly to celebrate it. Hermann brought another round to the table and Hailey gladly took the shot of tequila that had been offered to her and drank it. It was fun to be carefree like this. 

She laughed at a joke Adam made and threw her head back. When she looked at the table again, she saw Jay sitting across from her with a smirk on his face. They shared a longing stare, and Hailey got surprised by Jay’s ability to make the entire world disappear when he looked at her. The laughs, the drinks, the stories and their colleagues, it all fell to the background whenever he smiled at her. 

She gave him a small smile back. Understanding what she meant, Jay raised his hand to Hermann and asked for the tab. The rest of the unit complained and Hailey joined in so it wouldn’t look suspicious. But in the back of her mind she was wondering if it would be bad if they all knew. They were all friends, Kim and Adam almost got married and still made it work as colleagues, no one could doubt that. Why she and Jay had to hide whatever they had?

“I really gotta go guys!” Jay said, and in a minute she watched him crossing Molly’s door. 

“Halstead looks like an old man,” Kevin joked and they all laughed. 

Hailey couldn’t help but noticed that after he left, everything got sadder in her world. The chatter got old, and she felt an old familiar body ache caused by the desire to be leaving with him, holding hands in the middle of the crowd, blushing at a joke their friends made. It would’ve been fun. 

Few minutes later she asked for the tab and she heard more complaints. She wondered if they knew; they were all smart people and capable police officers, they must’ve been suspecting something right now. The clandestine meetings, the longing stares, how she left with him more times than not. They had to know something. 

She put her coat on and walked out of Molly’s seeing Jay silhouette under a streetlight. Hailey walked towards him and shivered a little when his cold things touched her under her sweatshirt. She felt his breathing as he kissed her neck. 

“You look stunning tonight,” he whispered in her ear, making her entire body go weak. She could melt right there because of Jay Halstead. 

“Jay, not here,” she whispered. 

As if it reminded him that whatever they had was not for everyone’s eyes, he slowly put his hands out of her and took a step back. “My place?” He asked nonchalantly as he grabbed his truck’s keys. 

“Would be nice for a change,” she joked. 

The shotgun seat of his car was a well-known place for her. She could spend forever by his side, watching his profile as he drove around, something he loved to do. The engine noise was almost settling to her as she looked at the city passing them by. 

He took his hands off the wheel and touched hers, taking his eyes off the street for a second to smile at her. She cursed herself when she felt her cheeks heating and hoped he didn’t notice. 

~*~*~*

Jay could see Hailey’s blushing even with only the streets lights they were passing by illuminating her face. He knew she could blame the alcohol, the cold winter air or even the air conditioner of his car, but deep down, Jay wondered if she felt the same way for him. If she wanted something more and was too scared to ruin whatever they have to even try. 

They arrived at his place, but before she could get out of the car, Jay put his hand behind her neck and brought her closer to him. Their kisses always felt electrifying, made him feel like he was at high school and had butterflies in his stomach whenever a beautiful girl came too close. It was hard to admit, but right now, he was a lovesick high school boy for Hailey. 

“Jay, come on,” she said as she broke the kiss and opened the car door. He followed her inside, thinking it was fun how she knew his apartment so well. She knew that the front door needed to be pulled a little for the key to unlock it, exactly where the light switch was, and that his mattress springs creak every time their bodies collide with it. 

“I meant what I said when I told you look stunning tonight, baby,” he whispered in her ear, as he grabbed his keys and opened the door. “I couldn’t take my eyes off you.” 

“You’re beautiful too,” she whispered. “Always.” 

They walked into the apartment kissing, and Jay could stay like this for the rest of his life. He sat on the couch with Hailey on his lap, the taste of tequila in her lips, the smell of her perfume. Everything was intoxicating for him. Hailey was kissing him slowly. It was not hungry or desperate, but there was an intensity he’d never felt before. 

Jay brings her even closer, his hands running down her back slowly, she moans, and he swallows it. Jay can’t help but think this is what heavens feel like. 

Hailey grinds against him before he moans into her mouth, his hands sliding into her pants and grabbing down her bottom. He squeezes and massages as they continue to kiss and slowly grind against each other, everything is perfect, he feels like he is in cloud nine. 

He decides they are wearing too much clothes, so he takes off her coat, then her shirt, slowly, still astonished by how beautiful she is. “Jesus, you’re… wonderful,” slips out of his mouth before he can stop himself. 

Hailey kisses him again. He breaks the kiss and adjusts themselves on the couch so she is lying in it, and he is on top of her. He wastes no time taking off her pants and underwear and does the same with himself, feeling her hands running down his chest. 

Soon, her hands are on cock, slowly going up and down, and he groans. It feels so good; she knows his rhythm; she knows exactly what he likes and where to put pressure to make his eyes roll behind his back with only her touch. 

He touches her too, feeling how wet she is. When he slides one finger in, she squirm. 

“Jay…” 

“It’s okay, don’t need to rush,” he says because it’s true. There is no reason they can’t spend the night like this, there is no reason for them to hide and sneak out in the middle of the night. They can stay like this forever, and no one can say anything about it. 

“Please,” she says. 

So he positions himself and slowly skins down on her, she breathes his name when their bodies are pressured against each other. He doesn’t move for a second, just breathes and enjoys the feeling of Hailey’s around him, but then Hailey is touching his neck and pulling him into a kiss.

And this is everything he ever wanted in life. It’s intense, not like the other times. It was more than electrifying. They barely stop kissing while they move in unison. Jay tries to go faster, but Haileys holds his hips, letting him know she wants to go slow and he is happy to comply. It’s all making Jay a light-headed, and he feels like he could die for her right now, if she asked. 

Jay stops for a moment and looks at her flushed face, swollen lips and messy hair. He wants to tell her he loves her, that she is the one for him, he wants to tell her so badly. Her blue eyes look at his and he swallows all what is building up inside of him before he can screw it up. 

Hailey pushes him out of her gently and he doesn’t understand for a second, before she tells him to sit on the couch and position herself on his lap one more time. He moans and throws his head back, soon he feels Hailey sucking a mark on his throat. Jay’s hands are guiding her on him, following her movement as she goes up and down. 

“Just like that,” he says, and she nods. 

He cups her breasts with his hands, twisting like he knows she likes. 

“I will not last,” she says. 

“Don’t hold back,” he whispers in her ear. 

He watches as she closes her eyes and her face twists in pleasure. Her body is shaking around him and she grips on him. He coaches her through it and when he sees she is over; he goes to pull out, but she holds him in place. 

“You sure?” he asks, knowing she doesn’t enjoy overstimulation. 

“Yeah, yeah,” she pants. 

She slips her hands under his arms, grabbing on his shoulder, buries her face in his neck as she rides him so fast that the only thing he can do is wrap his arms around her and hold on. 

Hailey is making all these sweet sounds that are driving him crazy, and there is something different in the air. He had never felt so close to her. This is more than just sex. He knows it and knows she knows it as well. 

He comes after that; he chokes on a sudden cry in his throat and Hailey is holding him through it until his body stops trembling and his chest stops heaving. 

She doesn’t pull out after that, Hailey just stays lying on his shoulder and he runs his hands up and down her back. 

Eventually, she looks at him and Jay’s heart skips a beat because he wants to tell her he can love her for a lifetime, her eyes tell him she wants to kiss him again and maybe say the words unspoken finally go free. No one says anything. 

Hailey rolls off and lies on the couch beside him. He follows her, adjusting himself so she can lie on his chest. They stay like these, just breathing, lying on their own dirt, Jay’s hands massaging her hair as she moves her fingers around his chest, connecting his scars. 

“I don’t want you to go,” he finally says, fearing she would just get up and leave after that they just experienced because there was no way he was the only one who felt it. 

“Okay,” she whispers, not looking at him.

“Hailey-”

“Jay, I’ll be here in the morning,” she mutters. 

He wraps his arms around her and falls asleep instantly. 

~*~*~* 

Hailey wakes up, feeling Jay’s chest on her back. Even though his couch is not the most comfortable place in the world, she doesn’t remember if she had ever slept this good in her entire life. She turns around to see Jay still asleep, snoring a little beside her. 

She tries not to think about what happened last night, but it’s impossible. She came so close to tell him she loved him while he kissed her like she was the most precious thing in the world. And she knew by the look in his eyes, he felt the same way. 

It scares her; she looks at the door and thinks that she can run, can leave before he even opens his eyes and he will understand what she meant by that. But it will hurt him so bad, and she could never hurt him, she could never leave him without an explanation. 

So she stays. She stays watching his chest go up and down until his eyes flutter open and he groans at the light in the room. She smiles at his annoyance.

“Morning, sleepyhead,” she says. 

“You are still here,” he sounds surprised. 

“I am,” she smiles. His face tells her he looks surprised by that. “I told you I would stay, don’t look so surprised” 

He just stares at her like she is going to vanish. She opens her mouth to say something; she doesn’t quite know what, but he beats her into it. 

“Hailey, I’m going to kiss you right now,” he says while moving closer to her. She lets him without a complaint. 

She feels as good as she felt last night, but soon her mind tells her to stop. That this is a bad idea that will only lead to heartache. Jay would want nothing serious about someone like her, they would end up breaking up and just thinking of Jay not talking to her makes her want to run and hide. She can’t lose her best friend and her lover over a childish thing like love. 

So she breaks the kiss and steps away from his body before things can escalate. 

“I gotta go,” she says. 

“It’s Saturday. We don’t have work today,” Jay says, and he doesn’t sound surprised, just sad. “You can stay.” 

“I gotta errands to make-“ 

“Hailey,” he interrupts her. “We gotta talk about last night.” 

Before he even finished talking, she was already on her feet, searching for her clothes on his living room floor. 

“What is there to talk about?” She says, not facing him. She knows if she saw him, all her facets would be over. “We fucked, Jay. Just like we do.” 

“No. No. No.” He quickly answers, getting on his feet as well, and he stands in front of her. “Last night was different. You and I both know it.” 

It forces Hailey to look at him. His blue eyes are so beautiful in the morning light and all she wants is to look at them for the rest of her life. To go back to his embrace and forget about the world. 

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” 

She can feel his heart breaking in front of her. She can see his eyes shifting and all the muscles of his face being forced to say in place to hide his hurt. 

“You do,” he quietly answered. “You are scared, I know that. It’s difficult for you to let someone in, I know that too-“ 

“Jay, you know nothing,” she cuts him. “I really gotta go right now. Excuse me.” 

She goes past him and lets him stand in the middle of his home, a place she knows he loves and she loves too. It’s such a sad sight, but it’s for the better, she tells herself. So, she closes the door and leaves with all the “I love you” she swallowed last night. 

~*~*~* 

Work goes as good as it gets. Doesn’t matter how bad things are in the personal life, Jay knows Hailey would never let this affect their partnership, and she seems to realize that too. 

But he still misses having his friend around. He misses talking to her, laughing and texting. It has been a while since he had an update on her life, and he wanted to know how she truly was. He hated the small talks and the meaningless “good, thanks.” 

It has been almost a month since they met each other that night, and Jay still tried hard not to get caught up about it. He knew she was lying, just like Jay knew she had felt something for him too. He even talked to Will about it, and his brother assured that he and Hailey had something special and he needed to give her time to figure things out. 

It was excellent advice that was better said than done. It took him everything he had to not push her, not call and not invite her over. But he was managing little by little. 

He was in his bedroom reading a book when he felt his cell phone vibrating. He picked up and saw a couple of texts from Hailey asking if she could come over. 

Jay thought about it and replied that it would be no problem. In a few, he was opening the door to her. 

“Hey,” he said. 

“Hey,” she replied, as he stepped out of the door and she walked into the apartment. 

“Do you want a beer?” 

“Have something stronger?” She said, sitting on the couch. 

He raised his eyebrows and got a bottle of tequila. They drank in silence for a while, before she opened her mouth. 

“My dad came to visit me today,” she finally lets out. “I wanted to tell him to go away, to vanish, but I couldn’t. He was in there. In my home. In my sacred place, ripping it all up, taking everything from me and I wanted to punch him… to do something. But I just stood in there. He said my name, and I was a scared little girl trying to be on their best behaviour so I wouldn’t get him mad.” 

Jay looked at her, and she wasn’t facing him. Her eyes were focused on the wall in front of him as tears silently spilled out of her eyes. 

“What did he want?” 

“Money, as always,” she said, wiping her eyes and taking another shot. “He only looks for me when he needs something other than that I’m worthless.” 

“Don’t say that,” Jay intervened. “You are… Hailey, you’re precious. You’re brave, kind, funny, messy. The best person I have ever met in my life. You are worth more than he ever will.”

He felt her hands traveling down his legs and her body positioning herself on his lap. He stopped her, and she looked surprised, almost outrageous. 

“We can do this,” he softly says. “I can’t do this.” 

“What?” 

“You can’t keep coming over whenever you want, and take whatever you want from me, then leave me behind.”

“Jay, I’d never-” 

“You did, Hailey. I understand you, I really do. And believe me, you can have space or get close, you can push me away and spend weeks without talking to me. It hurts, but it’s fine. But you can’t barely speak for me for an entire month, text me in the middle of the night, spill out secrets, then have sex and leave on the second it’s all over.”

She pulls away from him and goes back to sit on the couch, and Jay stares at her. 

“You confuse me, and in the beginning it was fun games, but it’s not anymore and you know that. You felt it that night and you know I felt it too, but instead of talking like grown ups you ran away and ignored my existence.”

“We’re friends,” she tries to argue. 

“The hell we are friends!” He finally busts, and it feels good to say these words out loud. “Friends don’t do the things we do. I don’t spend my entire day with my friends and still want to see them more. I don’t kiss my friends at 2am. I don’t ride home in the dark with our fingers intertwined. I don’t know where they like to be kissed and where they are ticklish. Baby, we are just lying to ourselves.”  
Jay can see that it took her away. She is speechless in front of him and his heart is pounding in his chest as he waits for an answer. She looks at the floor, instead. 

“What do you want me to say?” She asks in a small voice. 

“The truth,” he crouches down in front of her, so he can look her in the eye. “Break my heart. Tell me what’s in your mind, but don’t play with me anymore, because I can’t handle it.” 

“I…” She opens her mouth. “I want you around. You’re my best friend, but not only that, and it has been a long time since I’ve been… Damn it, Jay,” the words seem to hurt her. “I love you. I’ve been loving your for so long, that I don’t even know how to react. You make me pathetic. You made an idiot out of me and I’m so scared to let you in because if you ever leave… I won’t be able to deal with it.”

Jay felt relieved cursing through him. It wasn’t all in his head; he wasn’t projecting anything. It was real. It was true. 

“Hailey, let me show I can differ from all of them. Let me show you I can stay. I know you trust your life to me, but trust your heart too, because I love you too, Hailey Upton.” 

He finally says it and the words make her finally look at him. Really see him. He knows she’s searching his face for any sign that he is lying, anything that will give her an excuse to leave and never come back, but he won’t do that ever.

“Really?” She surprises him by asking. 

“I love you. I can love you for a lifetime. I can love you for my complete life. Please, let me.”

In a second, her lips are on his and it’s all the confirmation he needs. He runs his hands through her hair and pulls her closer. “I love you,” he whispers, trying to make up for the lost time. 

“I love you too,” she replies, and Jay knows that this is all he needs in life.”


End file.
